Tuesday, February 8, 2022

Kapus, Muumuus and Abortion


Having just returned from a very enjoyable week in Kauai, Hawaii's northernmost and greenest island, I have been thinking a lot about "kapu"--i.e., the complicated system of religious taboos that regulated almost all aspects of Hawaiian life prior to the arrival of Europeans. 

I do not pretend to be familiar with all these taboos, nor do I have any real understanding of the world view that birthed and nurtured them. I simply learned a few, probably the most titillating and/or unsettling among them--and began to wonder what, if any, connection there might be between these specific Polynesian practices and other religious/political systems in other cultures and contexts.

What immediately strikes me is that people everywhere, regardless of the specifics of their taboos, seem to accept their legitimacy and willingly live within their bounds--provided (a big proviso) that no other alternative is available. People within a particular "closed" culture do not, in general, question the objective validity or, indeed, universality of their culture's moral code, and they submit, often zealously, to the strictures it imposes upon human conduct.

Thus in traditional Hawaii: if thou art female, thou shalt not eat bananas, pigs, coconuts or even poi; indeed thou shalt not eat anything at all in the presence of males. If thou art male, thou shalt have thy penis subincised (i.e., slit on the underside) and shalt remove thy loincloth when in the presence of a great chief or a female ali'i of superior rank (as a sign of respect). Both male and female shall enjoy sexual relations of all sorts with people of all ages and genders, whenever and wherever the happy opportunity presents itself, except only that thou shalt not take thy pleasure with individuals whose social status is appreciably different from thine own. And thou shalt not touch--or even look at-- the chief's hair or fingernail clippings. 

On penalty (sometimes) of death! (Though escape to and exile within a "city of refuge" might be possible.)

I, of course, coming from a different culture and having internalized an entirely different system of kapus, find these strictures at best irresponsible and at worst cruel and illogical. They just don't seem right, you know.

But to the ancient Hawaiians, they were just that--right. The kapus guided them daily and provided structure and significance to their actions, joys and sufferings. These rules (and the religious assumptions underlying them) made as much sense to the Hawaiians as they seem nonsensical to today's Westerners. 

Because they "fit" with the Hawaiians' view of the world and the nature of the universe.

But just imagine the horror of the purse-lipped and puritanical missionaries as they debarked intending to evangelize some poor brown savages only to find themselves obliged, on a daily basis, to compare this "perverted" world view to their own, clearly (to them) holy, and objectively true understanding of the human condition. 

Of course, the missionaries’ Jesus view brought with it its own kapus, its own dietary and sexual rules, its own pariahs and punishments—all of which seemed right and moral to the missionaries, but which confused and frightened the Hawaiians. Ultimately, though, since the Jesus view also brought guns and gunships, the Hawaiians (pragmatically, albeit perhaps reluctantly) ditched the old kapus and adopted the new ones--thereby switching their allegiance to a world view with more firepower and greater global prestige-- but in so doing, losing not only their lifestyle, but their land and often their lives as well (usually from measles, a sort of collateral kapu-penalty of Christianity).

So what's my point? Really, it's just the obvious, I guess: religions and their affiliated kapus are relative—useful creations of the societies /cultures they serve to legitimize and underpin. And as such man-made constructs, they "work" only when their assumptions about ultimate reality are accepted and embraced by the bulk of the cultural entity that birthed them.

If, on the other hand, rival world views present themselves and vie for the allegiance/embrace of a people hitherto unaware of such an alternative, confusion, conflict and disorder are likely to arise. Both “old believers” and “new believers” will grow alternately defensive, agressive and, above all, angry. They will feel aggrieved and threatened by the “others” and, of course, by the world view, religion and kapus of these heretics, blasphemers, perverts, savages, criminals, etc.

As I indicated, this happened in Hawaii, until, ultimately, the Hawaiians were obliged to admit defeat, accept the new order and--in accordance with a "new" kapu, wear modesty muumuus to cover naked breasts, thus pleasing the “new” god by acquiescing to his peculiar sexual predilections.

A similar kapu conflict may be occurring now in the U.S. as a whole (not just Hawaii). The evangelical right—pretty much adherents of the stern Bible-based kapu-system the missionaries brought to Hawaii—are feeling themselves threatened on all sides by “others”—Muslims and imams, Jews and rabbis, Catholics and priests, Mexicans and quinceaƱeras, gays and Halloween—and even other non-white evangelicals who may share the same Bible, but don’t seem to follow the same kapus. 

Also, and especially threatening, are those who reject ALL overarching world views and instead base their behavior exclusively upon science—i. e., rational thinking applied to observable and testable facts. This system allows no categorical "shalts" and "shalt nots" derived from some transcendent and omnipotent authority. Rather, says this view, humans must use reason and evidence to determine their behavior when confronted with such questions as:

--whether or not to commit adultery, whether or not to circumcise a baby, whether or not to eat meat on Good Friday, whether or not to wear a head covering, whether or not to consume shrimp, whether or not to seek a divorce, whether or not to obey one's parents, whether or not to masturbate, whether or not to cut one's hair, whether or not to use electricity, whether or not to have an abortion, whether or not to wear a muumuu.


Because there still remain a considerable number of these angry, frightened, and politically zealous evangelicals within America’s borders, I fear they may (narrowly) win the next several elections held in our Great Reactionary Republic. But I am confident that, like the kahunas and their kapus, these votaries of an "old" world view (Christianity, especially the fundamentalist kind) are, in the long term, doomed to disappear--very slowly, very painfully--kicking and screaming and perhaps killing along the way. Already, indeed, some of their most primitive and most barbarous kapus have been rejected by the America's general culture--e.g., legal strictures against non-whites, women, homosexuals. And though some setbacks are to be anticipated, the legality of abortion will, ultimately I think, be resolved in a similar way: by leaving this decision to the reason and conscience of the sole sentient being involved (the pregnant woman).

In short, I am hopeful that a scientific world view is on the way IN and that, consequently, irrational kapus are on the way OUT--no longer taboo, no longer forbidden. Rather, shouldn’t our modern kapus be viewed as primarily "fashion”—acts of no transcendent significance—rather like wearing a muumuu? Put one on if your reason tells you it's a useful, enjoyable, practice. But please, not because you fear ostracism or punishment, or because you hope to be able to eat poi (finally) with the men and boys (subincised or not) in hula heaven.

  


Saturday, September 18, 2021

AUKUS vs. FRUG (Continuous War)


The new, seemingly redun-dant, anti-China “alliance” between three countries already allied—Australia, the UK and the US—a.k.a. AUKUS—reminds me of “Oceania” in Orwell’s 1984. “The war,” Orwell observes, “is not meant to be won, it is meant to be continuous.” Thus, in 1984, alliances between super-blocks change abruptly, enemies become allies, history is rewritten, but the essential thing—war—continues: never fought on territory belonging to any of the three superstates, but always in the “neutral” zone of North Africa, the Middle East, Southern Asia. Victory is not a goal—that is impossible, indeed unthinkable. No, WAR, itself, is the goal—the only way to preserve the political and economic status quo.


Analogously, in making its deal with Australia and the UK (one wonders why the British were included,  since they have very little presence in the Pacific these days), the U.S. treated France—and Europe—with the same casual/cynical disregard that Oceania displayed in dumping Eastasia and allying itself with Eurasia, its adversary as recently as the day before. This was shitty, yes, but—you know—it was a “necessary” maneuver to ensure that temporarily absent, but absolutely vital, WARFARE will be promptly resumed and will continue—this time with China and its proxies. French submarines just weren’t nasty enough, don’t you see? They just weren’t sufficiently bellicose to really make the the Chinese squeal.


So, you’ll have to get over it, M. Macron. Or perhaps play a little of the continuous war game yourself. For starters, Mr. Putin would undoubtedly be happy to ally himself with you and maybe Germany against perfidious AUKUS. You could call your real-life version of Orwell’s Eurasia FRUG—FranceRUssiaGermany. With a bit of pot-stirring, a nice war could probably be arranged in, say, Lebanon—which is already a wasteland anyway. Just a suggestion.


Or, alternatively, you could insincerely accept the U.S.’s insincere apology for throwing you under the bus. Honestly, we feel really, really bad that you just don’t seem to understand (despite France’s own distinguished history of self-serving betrayals) how these things work. Of course, we send our thoughts and prayers. At least, you can always count on them.





Friday, April 30, 2021

AMERICA THE BOOTYFUL (Obesity Version)


America the Bootyful

Oh beautiful for spacious thighs
For ample belly gains
For purple mounds of flesh to be
Tucked miserably in Hanes.
America, America,
God shed his grease on thee, 
And crown thy good
With blubberhood,
From knee to bulging knee.



Monday, April 26, 2021

Transgenderism Is Natural: Get Over It.


Yuval Harari, in his book Sapiens, makes this irrefutable observation about the “nature” of nature: “Whatever is possible,” he writes, “is by definition also natural. A truly unnatural behavior, one that goes against the laws of nature, simply cannot exist, so it would need no prohibition.”



In short, what is “natural” is, in its mere existence, physically true, but morally neutral—neither good nor bad. Rather, it is humans who assign morality to natural phenomena—and we do so (or should do so) based upon the effect—positive, negative, or zilch—they have on our species’ well-being. It is humans who decide if a particular “possible” behavior is good for humans (useful to humanity at the present time), bad for humans (harmful to humanity at the present time), or tolerable for humans (of no particular consequence to humanity at the present time). 


 Nothing could be more dishonest or irresponsible, therefore, than for individual humans to conjure up some supposedly objective and eternal “nature” that they fancy accords transcendant moral value to their own subjective and time-constrained prejudices. Let us rein in our hubris! Human beings themselves have only existed (and thus participated in nature’s possibilities) for about 200,000 years or so. A mere flicker of time: other “possibilities” will undoubtedly arise to follow us. But let us nonetheless endeavor to delay that replacement as long as possible—by making sound judgments now about how to play the hand nature has dealt us.


As an admittedly modest step toward realizing this goal, I’d like to propose that we acknowledge transgenderism/transsexuality as a very real possibility that does indeed exist at the present time and that is therefore entirely natural. As for its “morality,” i.e., its relative value for homo sapiens, I also propose that we accept it as—at the very least—tolerable (inoffensive) for humanity in general and, moreover, clearly good for those individuals for whom it is not just a possibility, but an incontrovertible fact.



In short, let’s stop fussing about this particular natural phenomenon. It’s here, it’s true, it’s OK. Let’s move on, humanity.We have many other, much more genuinely dangerous, “natural” behaviors to declare immoral and, for our common good—perhaps even salvation—regulate. Racism? War? Gun love? Misogyny? Child abuse? 


It’s time to be more sapiens, people. 

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

How To Do A Coup


Look, Donald. Ya gotta stop all the legal pussyfooting—it’s just pissing off the judges, even those traitorous finks you appointed. Just yank on your big boy dictator suit and bite the bullet and cross the Rose Garden Rubicon and whip out your sharpie and sign an executive order declaring the Constitution to be unconstitutional and suspending it until Jared Kushner can get it fixed. That’s the slickest (and probably only) way for you to stay in the oval office until you pop your clogs from metastasized bone spurs. Nice sunglasses, BTW. 


P.S.: you might need a teensy bit of help from those army dudes you call losers and suckers. And why not throw a little party for the boogaloo boys—they really like you and might be willing to die for you if you serve ‘em cheeseburgers stuck with little American flags on toothpicks.






Tuesday, December 1, 2020

America: Know-Nothings and Nincompoops



As we try to make sense of the fact that (apparently) millions of Americans cling to a totally fantastical belief that the reality of Trump’s defeat is not the REAL reality, we should probably remember that one of our country’s foundational “freedoms” was—and remains—religious/ideological nincompoopery: a determination by diverse groups of “true believers” to believe whatever they damned well WANT to believe, in spite of what they perceive as vast, (albeit often evidence-based), “conspiracies” that insist that they (the nincompoops) are quite simply “nuts.” America is the quintessential Loony Bin—in which, periodically at least—a gang of inmates gains control. But only, of course, after vicious squabbling among the asylum’s diverse factions about which is the most “qualified” to govern by virtue of, er, superior know-nothing nincompoopery.

Monday, November 30, 2020

The Trump Apostles’ Creed

I believe in Oh My God (OMG),
the Father almighty,
Creator of money and property ,
and in Donald Trump, his Instrument, our Lord,
who was conceived by Fox News,
born of Twitter,
suffered under Joseph Biden,
was defeated, lost, and humiliated by nasty people;
he descended into CNN,
on Inauguration Day, he stomped out of the House;
he ascended into Mar-a-Lago
and is seated at the right hand of his toady Lindsey Graham;
from thence he will attempt to overthrow the election results and Make America Grate Again.
I believe in Holy Hyperbole, 
the holy GOP,
the collusion of conmen, 
the forgiveness of cheating, 
the resurrection of the Proud Boys,
and lying everlasting.
Amen.