Monday, April 22, 2013

Republican Thoughts and Prayers

Problems, problems everywhere--but after much reflection, we Republicans conclude that there is only one good solution to the multifarious evils that beset our Republic:  PRAYER.

Last week, for example, we found it necessary to defeat gun control measures proposed in the Senate (some called them "modest," but we know a slippery slope when we see one).  Of course, we expressed our deep "regret" that so many innocent lives have been snuffed out in so many episodes of gun violence, but well, no, we simply cannot accept background checks for gun buyers, and no, we cannot ban assault weapons or limit ammunition purchases (slippery slopes, remember).  What we can do, and we do so enthusiastically and lovingly from the bottom of our compassionately conservative hearts (surely that is enough) is send out to victims of gun violence our sincerest and profoundest "thoughts and PRAYERS."

Yes, indeed, fellow compassionate Americans, we invite you to join us, your deeply concerned Republican legislators, in a determined and uncompromising resolution to Pray Away Gun Violence! 

But wait!  Not merely Gun Violence!  In fact,  we hereby commit ourselves to Praying Away All Problems!  Isn't this a truly inspirational idea, fellow patriots--a perfect program for a party committed to both compassion and fiscal prudence (why must cynics call it selfishness?)?  Because prayer, as we all know, as we have all experienced, is simultaneously the most effective and the most inexpensive solution for any problem that presents itself.

For example, in 2005, there was that French nun, Sister Marie Whoziz, who prayed to be healed of Parkinson's disease and, voil√†, she was healed, just like that.  Not only was the cure-by-prayer cost-free (unlike Obamacare), but now the good sister is even making money for her order by doing speaking tours in the U.S.

And remember Ted Haggard, the anti-gay evangelical minister who, in 2006, was outed for having an icky gay relationship with a masseur?  Well, deeply ashamed, Pastor Ted committed himself to "pray away the gay" therapy, and, bingo! according to others who prayed for him, he is now 100% heterosexual!  Another incredibly cheap miracle!

Then, too, there's the uplifting story of Baptist minister/politician Mike Huckabee, who by his own admission was a disgusting tub of lard when he became governor of Arkansas.  So he prayed and prayed and prayed and, lo, he eventually lost his appetite for chicken-fried steak and gravy. Praising the Lord while pedaling his bike, our Mike-boy shed both belly and behind and, in the process, managed to pen a well-selling book entitled Quit Digging Your Grave With a Knife and Fork.  Another example of simultaneously efficacious and profitable prayer!

Well, the list of "pray away" success stories goes on and on.  We haven't even mentioned Governor Rick Perry's 2011 campaign to pray away the Texas drought--as a result of which, rain arrived only four months later, immediately after the close of the Atheist Alliance's Freethought Convention (according to always-reliable Wikipedia).  Nor does this brief blog afford sufficient space to discuss the abundant historical evidence of happy outcomes brought about in the distant past by praying evils away (evils such as: Philistines, pigs, demons, angels of death, storms, wild beasts, Satan, leprosy, Egyptians, figs) and enumerated in such eloquent and incarnadine detail in The Holy Bible, The Holy Qu'ran, The Holy Bhagavad Gita and All The Other Holy Writs of Mankind.  We devoutly refer our readers to these indisputable testimonies to the power of prayer.

Suffice it, then, to summarize briefly our new platform.  The Republican Party hereby adopts what we regard as the Perfect Political Program Against All Evil:  Pray It Away!!!  (PPPAAA:PIA)

Pray Away Gun Violence
Pray Away the Gay
Pray Away Poverty
Pray Away Sickness
Pray Away Drought
Pray Away Global Warming
Pray Away Unemployment
Pray Away Fat
Pray away Dirt

Yes, even the ultimate evil--dirt!  Ladies (we assume all good homemakers are women), be assured that the Republican Party has not forgotten you, lowly as you are.  Indeed, we feel your pain this springtime, as you contemplate that filthy carpet or floor and those nasty rain-streaked windows.  And we urge you to abandon the outmoded mop, vacuum cleaner and SqueeGee:  they are only temporary, Democrat-advocated solutions--too expensive , too time-consuming for prudent and goal-oriented conservatives.  We send you our thoughts and prayers and, above all, our compassionate advice for a permanent, divinely-sanctioned solution:  just get down on your knees and PRAY THAT DIRT AWAY.

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