One Nation Under Joe

I used to think that the American flag was pretty cool--not at all boring like most of the drearily interchangeable tricolors that represent the majority of the world's peoples.  But then I began to notice that the Stars and Stripes had been co-opted by the gun nuts and bomb-Iran people.  A flag decal on your car meant, basically, that you wanted to "get your country back" by any means possible--even violence--from those "un"Americans who don't have a flag decal.

So now my American flag sits neatly folded in a drawer.  I cannot fly it or comfortably pledge allegiance to it as long as it has come to mean something so vile.  I suppose I can always whip it out and wrap myself in it, coward that I am, if the vigilantes appear at my door.

There was also a time when I liked a good cuppa Darjeeling or Earl Grey, perhaps accompanied by a decadent sweet which itself was topped with Devonshire cream.  But I can no longer drink tea, either--now that "tea" has come to represent the despicable know-nothingism of Sarah Palin et. al.  Back in my innocent days as a purveyor of British culture, I used to serve tea, scones and cucumber sandwiches to my A.P. literature classes.  This little "tea party" always made us feel cozier about Virginia Woolf.  But nowadays, what self-respecting sane person would throw a tea party?

Co-opting is not limited to the right wing, of course.  Last time I shopped for a new car, I considered buying a Prius--not because it was somehow "pure" and "holy" to do so--but because it seemed practical:  i.e., cheaper.  In the end, though, I was turned off by the sanctimoniousness of the university "green" crowd--most of whom seemed to believe that only Prius owners had any hope of eternal life in Great Mother Gaea's carbon-free heaven.  I always have a strong "gag" reaction to such pompous flapdoodle (like the current movement to ban smoking OUTSIDE of bars!).  So I bought another Camry.  Which has been recalled for accelerator problems.  Am I being punished?

Thank God no lunatic fringe has yet attempted to co-opt coffee.  Yeah, yeah, I know that there's a lot of joking about latte liberals.  But that's just a special KIND of coffee--not good old JOE itself.  So I still feel perfectly free to consume gallons of the stuff--from Folgers to filtre--from Kona to Kwik Trip--absolutely guilt free.  Coffee is Good--and we must rally round, people.  We must NOT let ANY special interest group co-opt the last honest symbol of America as a united people.  Since the flag has become a partisan symbol, let's stop pledging allegiance to it for a while.  Instead, we could pledge allegiance to "all kinds of coffee and to the Republic that coffee makes stand; one nation, under Joe, indivisible, with liberty and jitters for all."

Mormons could be exempted:  we won't ask them, and they won't have to tell.