Monday, February 1, 2010

Colonic Profiling

Has everybody been getting a lot of e-mails advertising "colonics" "high colonics" "colon irrigation" and "colon therapy"?  Or am I  being singled out because someone has profiled me and placed my name on a widely-circulated "full of shit" list?

Just for fun, I read a couple of the ads.  Apparently my colon is the source of most of my old age troubles--including, but not limited to arthritis, depression and near-sightedness.  According to one article, Dr. Kellogg, inventor of Kellogg Corn Flakes and other crunchy treats, proved the efficacy of colonics by making millions of dollars persuading people that cleansing their nether regions could be the pleasant byproduct of a tasty breakfast.

Well, corn flakes are one thing.  But hoses?

Mostly, I'm curious about the bodily circuitry involved.  I mean, how, exactly, is my colon connected to my cerebrum (where, presumably, depression resides and from which it must be flushed).  In other words, when my  therapist hoses out my entrails, how does the water reach my brain?  And then, even more importantly, how does it drain out?

Various Internet sources claim that both Princess Diana and Mae West were enthusiastic devotees of colon hydrotherapy.  Miss West asserted that her frequent treatments "kept her young."  It's hard to know exactly what such treatments did for Diana.

I freely admit that I am, more often than not, full of shit.  And I DO want to stay young and avoid depression. So should old geezers like me stop buying Prozac and Oil of Olay and instead put our money into our colons?

(OK.  I couldn't resist writing that.  I won't do it again.)

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