Thursday, January 12, 2012

La mort du loup

A voir ce que l'on fut sur terre et ce qu'on laisse,
Seul le silence est grand, tout le reste est faiblesse...


Gémir, pleurer, prier est également lâche,
Fais énergiquement ta longue et lourde tâche
Dans la voie où le Sort a voulu t'appeler,
Puis après, comme moi, souffre et meurs, sans parler.


--Alfred de Vigny, "La mort du loup"


Avec la vieillesse vient soit l'amertume, soit la résignation, peut-être même les deux (mais alternativement).  J'avoue que je passe pas mal de temps à attendre la mort, tout en la craignant et en voulant la repousser, la refouler loin de moi et des miens.

Mais rien n'y fait.  La mort se tient toujours au rendez-vous--nous guettant et nous poursuivant.  Inutile de fuir--il n'y a pas de sanctuaire.

J'ai souvent envie, face à cette vérité, de râler, de pleurer--ou, des fois, de me saouler pour ne plus y penser.  Tout cela est également con.

Et elle nous aura, la mort, bêtement, sans émotion de sa part, car "c'est comme ça."  Puis, nous disparaîtrons (la plupart de nous) sans laisser aucune trace dans les neiges de l'histoire, effacés et dissous, réabsorbés dans l'univers.

Je peste amèrement contre l'évidente injustice d'un monde sans directeur, mais à la fin, je dois me résigner à l'absurdité que personne ne peut changer.  Quelle blague--mais quelle belle blague--que la vie!



Sunday, January 8, 2012

Novus Ordo Seclorum (Yankee Go Home)

An article in the January 7, 2012 issue of The Economist predicts that China will overtake the U.S. in GDP sometime between 2016 and 2020 and that, furthermore, by 2025,  the Middle Kingdom will have surpassed the U.S. in almost every category (except GDP per person). Though the author of the article attempts to maintain journalistic objectivity, I think I detect a slight note of Schadenfreude in his tone:  he can't quite hide his British satisfaction that American hegemony won't last even half as long as did the Pax Britannica.

Of course, it's human nature to applaud when the Big Boy gets knocked out (especially if the Big Boy has been a bit of a bully). Unsurprisingly, then, several more outspoken foreign journals (Libération, The Guardian) make little attempt to disguise their glee over America's imminent decline--eventually to third place after both China and India. Everyone seems to be rejoicing that, at long last, the villainous Yankees will simply have to go home.

Though, like most Americans, I chafe a bit at yet another outburst of sniggering anti-Americanism, I find that I harbor very few regrets about America's impending downgrade in "power rank."

Because has it been worth it, this half-century of being Number One economically and militarily?  What price have we paid for that gloire?  In my estimation, our stint as Big Boy on the Playground (however exhilarating and, occasionally, order-restoring it was) has led us, in the long run, to neglect certain ultimately more important elements of our development as a society.  Thus, as we've run about bossing the other kids and keeping them "in their place," we've acquired a mean and greedy streak, we've ignored our own education, we've abandoned our aging parents and our sick friends, we've lost our love for beauty and art, we've grown fat, complacent and unhealthy.  In short, focusing almost exclusively on economic and military expansion has fostered a corresponding contraction of our spiritual and moral integrity.  We've failed to achieve that "exceptionalism" our founders envisioned.


Before you dismiss me as hopelessly naive and idealistic, let me clarify a bit.  I am well aware that economic strength is a vital prerequisite for the kind of spiritual and moral self-actualization which western cultures have aspired to since Periclean times.  And I further understand that the exercise of military might is sometimes necessary in order to ensure a political climate conducive to such positive economic activity.

And yet--to return to our schoolboy analogy--I'm also persuaded that the most successful young people are usually those who, blessed from the outset with a stable economic foundation, choose to invest their resources wisely in order to build and maintain advantages that transcend mere bigness. They maintain friendly, mutually beneficial relations with other students; they involve themselves in creative and intellectual activities which make life more enjoyable; and--finally, but not primarily or exclusively--they keep themselves sufficiently fit-- physically and emotionally--to counter any potential bullying by hostile students.

Thus, the young person most likely to achieve objective and genuine success is probably NOT the Big Boy on the Playground who pushes others around.  And the happiest, best-adjusted kid is almost certainly NOT the self-important braggart who devotes a disproportionate amount of time or resources to controlling the behaviors of other students for the sheer pleasure of being Number One.

Currently, the U.S. is spending about $700 billion per year (about 4.8% of GDP) on defense--almost 7 times as much as China is spending ($120 billion or 2.1% of its GDP).  However, as The Economist points out, China's overall defense budget is likely to surpass that of the U.S. by 2025, even if the percentages of GDP remain largely unchanged--since China's GDP is growing at such an astounding rate.

Clearly, then, another Big Boy--growing three or four times faster than the U.S.-- is moving in to claim kingship of the Playground.  Is the U.S. going to fight an almost futile battle to preserve a turf that was always of somewhat dubious value?  Against such odds, it seems to me that a big slug-fest would be pretty stupid.  Therefore, now may be the time for America to look around and observe how the other, less power-driven--but perhaps more objectively successful-- "kids" have been doing.  Though everyone has troubles, many of them seem to have plenty of room to play, don't they?-- they are strong enough to escape being harmed and usually savvy enough to avoid unwinnable confrontations.  Britain and France and Japan and Germany and Russia each spend between 50-70 billion yearly on defense (usually no more than 2.5% of GDP).  That certainly seems reasonable (at least as long as the Big Boy doesn't stupidly try to annihilate all the other players--and thereby put an end to the game itself).

More importantly, though--with the notable exception of Russia--these respected but less aggressive students have been doing better than the U.S. in shaping themselves into well-rounded individuals capable of achieving enduring success and of living healthy, fulfilling lives.

Ultimately, then, there can be little point in denying demographic and economic realities or in struggling childishly to change what cannot be changed.  Tantrums will not preserve our Biggest Power status.  But a positive reordering of our priorities and a refocusing of our energies might, in fact, allow us to become a leader in an entirely different (and more admirable) category of human endeavor--a category in which distinction is measured in terms of individual self-fulfillment and happiness, not national economic or military might.  Let us designate this order by the term our founders used on the Great Seal of the United States:  "Novus Ordo Seclorum" (A New Order of the Ages).

In short, I propose that we stop trying to imitate imperial Rome or Britain and strive instead to achieve goals espoused by the Scandinavians, the Swiss, the Dutch--yes, even the French and the Germans:  civilized commonwealths in which all (or at least the vast majority) of citizens can live decent, comfortable lives--with guaranteed equality of opportunity, universal health care, accessible and first-rate education, security and compassion for the elderly.  Is it too bold to assert that Thomas Jefferson, himself, would have advocated such a course?

EEEK!

Well, that loud shriek you just heard was the reaction of  fearful right-wingers, desperately clutching their wallets and screaming that such ideals are unattainable or undesirable (because they are too expensive or too unfair or too socialistic or too atheistic or just too too).  Bullpucky!  If we choose these ideals, we can achieve them--though yes, of course:  there is a cost.  First of all, we will have to require the wealthy to pay their fair share. (Screech!)  That means increased taxes, particularly on the super-rich. (Yelp!)  And second, we will have to stop spending so much money on the military--redirecting those resources to quality-of-life projects:  health care, education, transportation infrastructure, social security, environmental protection, scientific research, etc. (Moan!)

It's a sea change, of course--especially since our current economy is so oriented toward "vulture" capitalism (on the one hand) and "pork for profit" subsidies to the military-industrial complex (on the other).
But let's pursue the idea anyway. Probably, the poor little billionaire piggies would survive a tax hike with no difficulty, though their ceaseless squealing might tax the sanity of ordinary citizens.  I'm less sure, though, about the consequences of reducing funds to the manufacturers of weapons and military equipment.  I don't have any statistics--just a hunch--that such equipment (airplanes, tanks, guns, armored vehicles, warships, ammunition, etc.) may constitute a disproportionate amount of our industrial output.  (We don't seem to make much of anything else, except for some automobiles, chemicals, small tools and movies).  So I suppose any large-scale attempt to  beat our swords into plowshares (i.e., convert tank factories into refrigerator plants) might have a significantly negative impact on the American economy, at least temporarily.

Still, I'm betting that it would be worth it in the long run.  How liberating, how humanizing, to become once again what we were before World War II-- an economy primarily geared toward the production of ordinary, domestic goods and services.  (Let us keep SOME military production, of course; it would be absolutely foolhardy to abandon a respectable military establishment, capable of defending the country in the case of attack.  I'm merely suggesting that it is no longer necessary--or even possible--for America to police the world.)

Essentially, then, we would be relinquishing our current playground dominance to China--but  in the hopes of actually improving our lot thereby.  The Chinese, with their superior population and GDP--their quantitative preponderance--could take over as the policemen and occasional bullies (unless they, too, wanted to pursue more humane goals). Whereas we, should we so choose, would now be free to concentrate on achieving qualitative supremacy (or at least, excellence), free to focus our energies on building the kind of society that once, long ago, constituted the American Dream--and that the Founders so optimistically labeled "Novus Ordo Seclorum."

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Bead Rooms

Neither my sister nor I care much for reality TV--except a number of programs on HGTV--and most especially (because we are both incorrigible escapists and dreamers) a series on that network entitled "House Hunters International"--the real (albeit carefully edited) tales of absurdly wealthy Americans, Canadians and Brits seeking second homes (fully equipped with air-conditioning and garbage-disposals) in foreign locales.

We have nicknamed this series "The Bead Room Show."  

Please allow me to explain--since that, after all, is the whole point of this frivolous blog.  One of the earlier episodes in the series involved an American (I think) couple who were intending to relocate to Melbourne, Australia.  Consequently (and quite logically) they engaged a Melburnian realtor--a charming fellow with a broad Aussie accent--to show them suitable properties.  As he chattered happily away about House Number One, describing the stunning this and that in the kitchen (its "benchtops" and "cupboards"), we began to smile--realizing that Australian terminology was amusingly different from our own.  But when beaming Mr. Oz began to rattle on about the soon-to-be-visited  "bead" room, both Linda and I were genuinely puzzled.  Do antipodal houses have rooms especially designed and/or designated for "beading" or "jewelry making"?  Perhaps, we speculated, a "bead room" was the Aussie equivalent of our American "craft room" or "sewing room." 

Fortunately, as the camera followed the house hunters into the eagerly-anticipated "bead room," the actual meaning of this term became, well,  stunningly clear.  How so?  Because right there in the middle of the bead room was a most imposing king-sized "bead."  And obviously, given the size of the space, we were visiting the MASTER bead room.  "Fair dinkum," chirped smiling Mr. Oz.

And weren't these lovely, really stunning walk-in "wardrobes"?  And what a stunningly breathtaking view of the "paddock-sized" lawn which, by the way, was a "beaut," perfect for "ripper" parties!

At that point, both my sister and I burst into laughter--as we sometimes laugh when we hear Irish accents or expressions.  Not arrogantly or condescendingly (as the British often laugh at Americans), but giddily--as if we had just been tickled with a Kookaburra feather.  Aussie talk simply seems  as playful and as unaffectedly high-spirited as Mr. Oz himself--not "funny"--but just plain fun.  

So now Linda and I both eagerly tune in to any HGTV broadcast involving Australians--as either buyers or sellers.  Seems we can't get enough of those bloody bead rooms.  And it tickles us to be learning to speak "Strine."




Monday, January 2, 2012

Free Gifts

As a (retired) English teacher, I've long been irritated by the advertisements promising consumers a "free gift."  By definition, of course, a gift is free--something received without payment.  So what are we to make of the superfluous adjective "free" describing something that is supposedly already free by its very nature?

I guess the key word here is "supposedly."  Because the Madison Avenue wonks--whose job it is to out-psych the buyer, and thereby sell more goods--have clearly grasped that humans almost universally do not believe in "free" gifts, that we routinely distrust ordinary, adjectivally unqualified "gifts."  Though we know that such gifts are not supposed to entail any cost, we also know that, in the majority of cases, the giver is motivated by a hidden agenda (sometimes hidden even to him/herself)--i.e., we know that gifts are rarely freely given.  Instead, they are offered "with strings attached"--for a variety of reasons that in some way obligate the receiver to the giver.

Even those most charitable of gifts--those offered by "anonymous" donors to people they do not know--bear a psychological price tag:  the receiver feels dependent upon others (rather than autonomous and free), while, in his generosity (even though only he knows of it), the philanthropist feels superior to the poor bloke who, alas, cannot support himself on his own.

Oh, you will object:  "sometimes a gift is merely a heartfelt expression of love."  Of course.  But is it not given with at least the hope that, in making the receiver happy, it will further bind him/her to the giver?  That, too, is a "string."  Sigh.

It would seem, then, that we are a bit uncomfortable with our gut suspicion of gift-giving.

Personally, though, I see little wrong with either the giving or the strings attached thereto:  obligations and bonds, whether financial or affective, sustain and nourish civilization, keep us connected.  What pisses me off is the hypocrisy and the goody-goodyism so often affected by donors.  Why can't we simply acknowledge that gift-giving is generally NOT free--but rather motivated by (enlightened?) self-interest?  Such an honest attitude, it seems, would be much healthier, since it would serve to unite us in our common need for human connections.  The philanthropist should acknowledge that his charitable giving is as much about helping himself as it is about helping others.  The lover giving a necklace to his beloved should admit that he yearns to have his love reciprocated.  And even the child giving a homemade valentine to his mom should realize (he probably does, actually) that making her happy is also a good thing for himself.

Now, back to that term "free gift."  Obviously, Madison Avenue, in its marketing wisdom, understands the truth I've just discussed:  most gifts are not really "free."  And the advertisers also understand that many of us are uncomfortable with this less-than-altruistic truth about ourselves. Therefore, as is their wont, these high-powered hucksters set out to reassure the public that the truth that we intuitively "know (but dislike)," is, in fact, false (as we would like it to be).  They endeavor, as always and for their own profit, to lie to us. "No, say the adverts, "you're wrong.  There really IS such a thing as a free gift.  No strings attached at all, honest.  No obligation of any kind, honest.  All you have to do is purchase a single box of Chienlit Kitty Litter and we'll send you--as a FREE gift (unlike conventional UNfree gifts)--a 10 ounce bottle of PeeBeeGone deodorizer--absolutely free of charge. Free. Of. Charge.  But hurry!  Only 10 orders per customer will be allowed.


It's a double whammy, of course, since a) you pay up front in money for the PeeBeeGone when you buy the Chienlit and b) you pay later in product loyalty because you now believe in the overwhelming generosity and virtuousness of the Chienlit Company, to the detriment of all competing products.  You'll buy this brand again (even if it's inferior to its rivals) because Chienlit is the guy with the big heart and the free gifts, "your completely altruistic friend."

Dang. All of this is reminiscent of Fox News and its blatant propagandizing for the Republican Party, isn't it? Vote for GOP Candidate X.  He/she really IS your true altruistic friend.  And if you vote for him/her, you will automatically receive a "free gift" (lower taxes, fewer pesky regulations, bans on conduct you don't condone, the right to pay for your own medical and old age care)--no strings attached, honest!

Unless the military needs more money in, er, "Orak" (sic., see picture).

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Deus Ex Homo?


According to the rules of natural selection, homosexuality should have disappeared long ago--at least if, as most educated people seem to believe, it is an inborn trait and not a freely chosen lifestyle.

So, why do homosexuals continue to pop up, in every culture (even Iran!!) and clime and time?

Solution 1:  God is responsible.  In order to create unity and a sense of common purpose among his Chosen, God creates sexual outsiders whom the Chosen can blame and persecute (instead of God) for all the evils of human existence.  Intelligent (?) Design.

Solution 2 (similar to Solution 1):  the Devil is responsible.  In order to spread evil and create divisions among the Chosen, Satan creates homosexuals to do battle for the Dark Side.  (He does this, presumably, using various Rosemary's Baby-type strategies.)  Nefarious Design.

Solution 3:  Homosexuals themselves are responsible.  People who say they are attracted to members of their own sex are, in fact, making a conscious Choice to espouse unnatural and perverted behavior.  They could change if they truly wanted to, but they have decided to be anti-human (and anti-God).  This explanation might be adopted by either theists or atheists.  Interior Design.

Solution 4:  Some peculiar gene, passed down by siblings or relatives rather than by homosexuals themselves (who usually don't have offspring), transmits homosexuality because, somehow, homosexual behaviors--in some small percentage of any given genetic line--are useful for the survival of that line.  Hand-Me-Down Design.

Solution 5:  Some hormonal imbalance (or divergence from the "usual") creates, in utero, a fetus that will be oriented toward his/her same sex.  In this scenario, once doctors have discovered the exact nature of this hormonal anomaly, homosexuality could be chemically eliminated--also in utero.  Hormonal Design.

Solution 5:  Homosexuals are aliens, deposited like cuckoo eggs, in human homes by some extraterrestrial forces determined to use them (the homos) to alter or influence the course of human social development.  (I doubt that many people subscribe to this solution, but it seems every bit as possible as the first two.)  Out-of-this-World Design.

Solution 6:  Nobody knows.  It is a mystery.  It seems unlikely that homosexuals--at least most of them--actually choose their orientation.  But likewise, there is no conclusive evidence about genetic transmission, hormonal anomalies, etc.  And neither God nor the Devil would probably give a crap--even if these two metaphysical "entities" could be proven to exist.  Hidden Design.

Frankly, I don't give a crap either.  The only thing that bothers me is that the LACK of scientific evidence might embolden the Evangelicals and Bible-thumpers in their denunciation--not only of the gay "lifestyle," but of the theory of evolution itself.  "Look," they might say, "natural selection, survival of the fittest, all that nonsense doesn't work--otherwise, homosexuality, which obviously does not contribute to genetic survival, would have died out millenia ago.  The fact that this perversion still persists is proof that God is in charge and that Intelligent Design is the only legitimate explanation for human nature."

Sigh.  I just don't want the persistence of homosexuality to be used as an apologia for the existence of God!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Devolution

I generally enjoy reading The Guardian (and, occasionally, The Telegraph)--online, of course--in order to gain a bit of perspective on world events, most of which tend to be ignored or neglected in the parochial journals of self-absorbed America.

Recently, I have become fascinated with the Scottish independence movement--and with the whole concept known in the UK as "devolution."

What a curious and intriguing word!  While strictly speaking it denotes a rather neutral "transfer of power" from a central government to a regional or local authority, it suggests--in its connotative resemblance to "evolution"--a willful regression to something more primitive--a step backward in social or political development.

Backward to pre-1707, when the Acts of Union combined the English parliament and the Scottish parliament into a single body--with authority over both countries, thereafter known as the Kingdom of Great Britain  (later the United Kingdom)--and deliberating in Westminster, where the previously all-English parliament had sat.  Essentially, the Acts "merged" the two parliaments into one.

If my sources are correct, however, this merging of parliaments was often regarded by less-populated Scotland as an unfortunate "submerging" into an overwhelming English nation and culture. Still, the union offered Scotland enormous advantages:  1) an active and disproportionately powerful voice in the direction of an empire that was beginning to exercise world hegemony; 2) an economic union with the heartland of the Industrial Revolution and access to worldwide markets; 3) a guarantee that no hostile (i.e., non-British) invader would disrupt Scottish life and Scottish pursuit of wealth/happiness.

So, despite giving the English some influence over Scottish affairs, the Union also gave the Scots a great deal of  influence over English--and imperial--affairs.  Yes, the world continued to think of the whole island as "England," and yes, that carelessness persists, even today.  Still, it seems to me that, on the whole, Scotland benefited greatly from union with its much more populous neighbor.

What, then, has prompted the cry for "devolution"--for a return to a more primitive, less united, more exclusively Scottish "auld lang syne"?

Well, undoubtedly some of the economic and political realities have changed.  Clearly, Scotland is no longer in any danger of being invaded by France or Germany or Denmark.  Obviously, the Empire has vanished and the markets are now provided by the EU (which Scotland could presumably join as an independent country). Finally, the sheer exaltation of being a Briton in a world ruled by Britannia--the emotional attachment to the "Great" in Britain--is sadly faded, tarnished, disappearing.

Thus, as the advantages of union begin to seem less weighty, Scots have rediscovered the DISadvantages of the English connection.  They've begun to feel "submerged" again--not really oppressed or occupied or discriminated against but, well, well, well...it's hard to put in words...just "Englishified."  Heck, they even SPEAK a language called English.  Everybody talks about the Queen of England and English tea and There'll Always Be an England and The Bank of England and English muffins and the English parliament and English literature and Lie Back and Think of England.

It's just suffocating, isn't it?  Some people even think that golf was invented in England.  Enough evolution!  Gie us a wee bit o' DEVolution!

And so it came to pass that, in the 1980s and 1990s, certain vocal Scots made such an anti-English fuss--kilts flying and bagpipes skirling--that the Parliament of Westminster (remember, the merged parliament of England AND Scotland), decided to do something really quite extraordinary:  create a SECOND (sort of mini-me) parliament for Scotland--obviously in the hopes that this contrivance would pacify the Return to Caledonia crowd.  But wait, if the REAL parliament of Scotland is still the merged Parliament of Westminster, then what are we to make of this little assembly meeting in Holyrood and grandly proclaiming authority?


Apparently First Minister Alex Salmond and his "government" occupy themselves with legislation regarding fisheries, agriculture, tourism, sports and local chambers of commerce.  Most real powers, however, remain "reserved" to the real Parliament of Westminster.

Since Salmond is not happy about this "shadow" Parliament of Holyrood, he has promised a referendum on complete independence--which, if successful would, apparently, dissolve the "merged" parliament of Westminster and recall its Scottish members to Edinburgh, where the clock would be duly set back to 1707 and the devolved MPs would reassemble as the REAL Parliament of Scotland.

The Guardian reports that Scottish sentiment is currently in favor of complete independence...BUT only (how truly Scottish) if complete independence appears to guarantee improved ECONOMIC well-being.  All that talk about kilts and haggis and cultural domination--well, it was piffle, really.  It appears that what the Scots truly want, and what the Scottish National Party would love to ensure, is exclusive SCOTTISH control over the lucrative North Sea Oil deposits.  Surely black gold wealth would bring back auld lang syne.

So like the American Tea Partiers, the SNP primitivists want to "take their country back" (and, presumably, put it in the bank). No more of this BRITISH foolishness--and especially no more British Petroleum.  Kick the bloody English out and let 'em find their own oil.  SCOTTISH Petroleum, only, please.  And total devolution.  (At least until 2020, when the oil is scheduled to run out...)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Nude Neutrinos

Today, the newspapers and blogs were full of chatter about CERN's disputed discovery of neutrinos that travel faster than the speed of light.  A number of learned commentators opined that this could not be so, since if it WERE so, we would have to change our understanding of how the universe functions.  Isn't that what people once said about Galileo?  And what they're now saying about Facebook?

Well, anyway, I'm rather hoping that CERN is right:  I was getting bored with E=mc2 and I have always felt that one-directional Time is totally unfair.  Hence, if something can move faster than light, that must mean that things that are happening now have, in fact, already happened--right?  And, if time is just a matter of human perception, then it would follow that, in some sense, I am getting younger.  The Past is the Future.

(This is going to piss off the math teachers who invent those Train A and Train B word problems:  now we know that both of the trains arrive before they left.)

OK.  Enough musing about relativity.  The REAL topic of this blog is San Francisco and how it, too, seems to "get there" rather before it has ever "left anywhere."

I.e., San Francisco is ahead precisely because it is so self-consciously, so theatrically and so immodestly behind.  Indeed, in its carefully studied decadence, dissipation and disdain for convention, San Francisco reminds me of the "nudes" in  Robert Graves' "The Naked and the Nude."  Slyly projecting an image of Gold Rush (or at least Turn of the Century) refined immorality, San Francisco delights in flipping off  the authentic, innocent "nakedness" of tourists from Oklahoma City and in embracing artifice, gimmickry and retrograde camp.

So we have "real" out-of-date cable cars, "real" previously-junked streetcars from other less affectedly old cities, "real" street fairs of leather- and fetish- dilettantes celebrating Barbary Coast pseudo-debauchery, "real" 21st Century Victorian architecture, "real" organic dog treats made from free-range chickens raised on the foggy slopes of Mt. Tamalpais.

In other words, nothing real at all.  It's all a wonderful pile of steaming artifice, as surreal as the preposterous hats in "Beach Blanket Babylon."  Pure nudity, winking broadly at the spectator and saying "take a break from convention!  Join us in this upside down, backward World of Naughtiness and Happy Hallucination. Give up your pathetic, honest nakedness.  GET NUDE.  BE A NEUTRINO:  GET AHEAD BY GOING BACK.  YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN HERE ANYWAY.  THE PAST IS THE FUTURE.  BUY A TIE-DYED LOIN CLOTH , GET A PRESCRIPTION FOR MEDICAL MARIJUANA AND FREAK OUT, DUDE.  NUDE.