Adventures of Ken in Niceland

I have fallen down a rabbit hole--and landed in a Niceland called Minnesota, where, according to our resident Cheshire Cat (Garrison Keillor) everyone is good-looking and above average.  Most especially, everyone is "nice."  In other words, everyone lies to everyone else, all the while firmly believing in the absolute veracity of his/her falsehood.  "Nice weather" means, of course, "Crappy weather but better than yesterday."  "Nice tie," means "Who the hell would wear a tie in this weather?"  "Nice town" means a place like Winona, which has a weed-clogged lake and a boarded-up downtown linked to Wisconsin by a rusted-out bridge that may collapse at any time.

No, maybe it wasn't a rabbit hole that I fell into.  Maybe it was more like the treacle well mentioned in the Dormouse's story (at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party). I'm living at the bottom of a treacle well!  How nice.

Here in Niceland we have mad (i.e., "nice") tea parties, also, presided over by our very own Hatter--Republican governor Tim Pawlenty, who is so crazed by the mercury in his headband that he thinks eight years of doing nothing in Minnesota more than qualify him for similar tenure as President of the U.S.

Unlike the Hatter (actually, it was originally Humpty Dumpty, I think), Mad Tim doesn't celebrate "unbirthdays".  Rather, he celebrates "unallotments"--which are executive orders unfunding programs and projects that were never actually funded in the first place, since the Democratic dormice of the legislature have been mostly breathing and sleeping, sleeping and breathing, and telling the Queen of Hearts (of whom more later) that the tarts are made of treacle.

Now for the Queen.  Michele Bachmann, a very "nice" lady indeed, who rules Minnesota's 6th District by, according to her own website, divine right ("God told me to run for office"  also, "There is nothing like being hot for Jesus Christ").  This queen, like all of her Niceland subjects, is absolutely unconcerned about what we less imaginative types call "reality" (if the roses are white, they can always be painted red).

And, leave it to the Queen to uncover all the plotters and perverts who have tried to steal America's tarts.  Start with gays (they're after our children; get down on your knees); then Democrats (they're anti-American let's investigate); then liberals who want to impose health care on people who'd rather be unhealthy (we need a blood pact to defeat these scoundrels); then pro-choice people; then Muslims; then, then, then....

Smiling beatifically, the Queen demands, "Off with their heads."

To give the Queen her due, she is far too nice to chop off your head while you're actually looking. Now she thinks that God is calling her to run for Vice President as Sarah Palin's running mate in 2012.  Which might put her at odds with, guess who?  Mad Hatter Tim Pawlenty.  D'you remember him?

Anyone got a mushroom?  I gotta get outta here.